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Defecating in London | Tips for a Londoner No. 2

If you’re in London and gagging to defecate, I’ve got a tip for you. Walk past the McDonalds, it’ll do you good. Your tush is better than that; the public toilets, the pee stains and horrible smells. No more. Head to a casino, most are free with only an ID required for entry.

Personally I prefer “Empire,” on Leicester Square. There’s a lavatory which isn’t well signposted and is tucked away. It’s large and the stalls are pretty clean. My only complaint would be that the seats are just that bit too narrow, but I’m just picking at a cunt hair.

There’s hand wash out of a domestic bottle, instead of those industrial soap dispensers and even hand lotion. The hand dryers are the old school variety, but they pack a punch. Not as much as the Dyson or Excelsior, but it does the job adequately enough.

After your visit, why not head over to the bar. You’ll find free tea and coffee as well as tap water to help you recover.

If you’re ever in the area, this is a must visit.

Scamming No Limit Texas Holdem | Grosvenor Casino

I’ve been to quite a few Casino resorts; Macau and Mocbai. Between them i’ve visited half a dozen casinos.

Yesterday I actually played in one. Chris Leslie Evernden aka “Concept” the rapper, had a clever little scheme that was sure to make money. Off we went; Rachel, Chris, Graham and I in his mini. We put some gangsta rap on and went posing down to Edgeware Road.

The scam was this; 4 people play on the same table. We all play like tight assholes, only playing pairs and premium hands. It’s not really a scam – just tedious. It’s all legit, but the fact that you can make money is dubious to say the least.

We went to the Grosvenor Casino on Edgeware Rd. It’s one of the safest places to stay if an all out terrorist attack happened to hit London. Registering was easy enough and off we went.

Each of us converted £25 into chips and sat down at the table. We got down to business.

In three hours of play, we played a dozen hands. Fucking boring.

I hit with a pair of kings in my pocket and the flop went down. Two aggressive players played it out and forced me to go all in. I won the hand doubling my chips to £53. Next was Graham. He got queens in his pocket. Everyone folded before he could eek any money out. He then played a little loose and got to about £40 in chips. Rachel was the luckiest. She hit pocket tens. The flop came down. She’d made three of a kind 10s. Everyone on the table went in except Chris, Graham and I. The pot got to about £90 and she cleaned up.

About 2 hours into the game it was like this;

• Rachel – £90
• Me – £50
• Graham – £40
• Chris – £15

Not bad. This could work.

Now here’s the bad point. The casino makes its money on a rake per half hour. Every half hour we each had to pay £3. In total we stayed for 3 hours, so the total the Casino raped off us was £72.

That’s a lot of money considering we only bought in £100 in total.

As the night wore on, the rakes and blinds killed us. By the last hour, I was down to £20. Chris was down to £5 and Graham was down to £20. Rachel luckily cashed out.

I decided I couldn’t play like this. It was 1.30am and I thought fuck it. I went all in. Chris went all in. An even tighter arsed player, hit pocket aces. I couldn’t have given a shit.

We ended the night with:

• Graham – £10
• Me – £0
• Rachel – £80
• Chris – £0

We lost £10 between us for 3 hours work. If i’d have had more discipline, we’d have been £10 up.

Moral of the story:

I have no doubt that if the play was more refined, we’d have been able to double our money. Is it really worth it though? To play poker so tight that it doesn’t become fun. If we’d all have stuck to a dead end job for 3 hours, we’d have made £60 guaranteed, rather than some pot luck dream.

I’ll go to the Casino again, but with the intention of having fun.

The money lenders of Moc Bai (Bavet) – Jumping the Border

Casinos are a wondrous thing. They spring up in the most desolate places and cater to all of mans vices. This is a tale of how my uncles make money. Moc Bai is located on the Vietnamese-Cambodian border. As Vietnam used to have quite strict gambling laws, and Cambodia didn’t, Vietnamese people would flock to the border to gamble. Asians love gambling.

Jumping the border

I entered Vietnam on a one entry Visa. To enter Cambodia and get to Moc Bai I would have to apply for a Cambodian Visa. To re enter Vietnam I would then have to re apply for another visa. Lacking the time involved to get the said visas and the money, I decided to jump the border. My uncle arranged the fiasco.

We all drove to the border. Me, my two uncles and cousin. As we got to the border, we parked up and I jumped out. Waiting for me was a motorcycle. I left all valuables with my uncle and jumped on. The motorcycle veered down a dirt road and pelted it, full throttle, through a field. We met up with a peasant who maintained a track made of sticks across a marsh and paid the toll. The motorcycle then drove to a hole in the wall of the great casino complex. Just before we entered, the man called ahead. He called the military to confirm that we could bend the rules. It took 20 minutes.

I would say that the journey was a fantastical experience, full of soldiers shooting at me, but it really wasn’t. The journey felt like racing around a dirt track. The scariest thing was being in a third world country without my passport – could they think I was trafficking drugs?

Money lending to the money lenders

My uncle wanted me to see Moc Bai. Where he made his money. It wasn’t through gambling, but rather lending money to the gamblers.

In Asia, gambling is in the blood. People would go to the casinos, spend all their money and then fret. If they played just a little longer, then surely they could at least recoup their losses casino. The classic gamblers psycosis.

Upon entering into that psycosis, they would turn to anyone and borrow money. This is where the money lenders step in. They’ll do a credit check. They’ll ask you what property you have. Then they’ll lend you inordinate amounts of money for silly amounts of interest. The interest can be calculated per day or per week.

If you win, then you’ll pay back the money lenders, take your profits and trundle home. If you lose then, you’re, fucked. They’ll literally follow you home and demand the money.

So where does my uncle fit into all this. He lends money to the money lenders. As a money lender, you’ll be charging interest rates unheard of in this country. As long as a money lender is able to keep his money working for him, then he can afford to borrow money. The rate for lending money to the money lenders of Moc Bai: 8%. 8% each fucking month. That’s 96% per annum.

Terms & Conditions

The minimum amount to lend is $10,000. Paid in cash. Interest is to be paid in cash per month. It is your responsibility to collect the interest. The interest will be paid each month until you need the principle back or I run away.

Just to recap

I lend $10 000 to you. Each month I have to go to Moc Bai and collect the interest of $800. This occurs indefinatly until I need the principle back. This is then paid back to me. If this works for 12 months then:

$10 000 + ($800 * 12) = $19 600

To put this into comparison, the you’d be lucky with 12% per annum on the US and UK stock markets.

The eighth wonder of the world
Compound Interest

1st Year: $10 000 + ($800 * 12) = $19 600
2nd Year: $19 600 + $18 816 = $38 416
3rd Year: $38 416 + $36 879.36 = $75295.36

By year three you’d turn $10 000 into $70 000.

Everything that sounds too good to be true, is.

I’m a cynical cunt. This can’t work. There are two possible outcomes:

• It’s an out and out scam. They run with your money.
• It’s a long scam. They wait till you have a ridiculous amount of money invested and run.

We can rule out the first option as my uncle has been doing this for over a year. He’s recouped his capital. The second option however, is a lot more plausable. My uncle has over $100 000 invested. He’s mitigated his risk somewhat in the fact that he’s lent to quite a few people. When they seem untrustworthy, he’ll ask for his principle back and reinvest it.

The other option

This can work indefinatly. As long as the money lenders can screw other people, then your money’s relatively safe.

Links

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