Well i’m about to leave for somewhere in Epsom. Should be a fun night, we’re cruising with Mike, Dave, Rosanna and some other girl. Hopefully we’ll be speeding with loud music blaring out the sound system. Noobie drivers are the bomb.

To Dearest Ollie,

Any chance of emailing me some pictures. I know Raj can’t take pictures for his life, but I’m sure he got some good cleavage shots.

Thanks,
Steven (stevenvu at gmail.com)

The VCRs bleeping 00:00 – I get home, my throat feels like its been serrated with a rusty cheese grater. I’m plastered out of my mind and take a sip of water to calm me down. The laptop’s silent keys are the only thing stopping me from waking up the house – The laptop falls with a thud – He decides to finish writing this in the morning.

Rewind back to a couple of hours ago and we’re cruising with Mike and Dave. The radio is blaring out non sensical shite and we’re determined to have a crazy ass night.We arrive and make pleasantries to all the girls we know, Mike re acquaints himself with Rosanna while Dave and I practise our leaning technique. For those that don’t know, single guys exhibit their “standard” stance. Namely stand roughly 3 metres from the dance floor and lean by the bar. Their left leg (if right handed) should be crossed over so no pressure is exerted on it and the obligatory head nod in time of music should be enacted. If all goes to plan, the guy looks the coolest thing to the opposite sex. Dave and I practise this manoeuvre for a good hour with little response.

An inspired lean
I ask Harri for some tips, she’s a girl, she’d know. I’m advised to use the “Do i know you from somewhere” routine. “it’ll work like a charm” she says. “Why not!” I shout at myself and roll over to a table with two rather young looking girls on. Mike shuffles next to me. Just as i’m about to spiel off that carefully orchestrated line in my head, Mike looks at me, leans in and heeds warning “Nah mate, they’re 14″.

Harri – Give me some tips
My game is ruined, i’m off kilter; Leaning in I ask, “How old are you?”, so as to not be in jeopardy of breaking any laws tonight. She replies “17″, and we look at her in that condescending way which suggests “we’re not as stupid as you think” – and – should she really be there at all. They’re not impressed. Dave wonders by from the toilets and has a look on his face which, enthusiastically points out that we’re “having a laugh”, In his best Al Murrey impersonation. I leave ego battered and continue to stare incessantly through the night.

No dear, use your teeth

Go molester Dave
A wonder around the establishment is in order, somewhere along the way someone is stripping to the birthday girl. I’m pretty sure he just wanted to get his kit off. He’s quite renowned for it. Monika’s sister is there which is nice and her pretty friend. I’m sure Dave liked her sisters friend, but was just a lil shy. I got her to try and molester him but he just ran away. Sometimes. Tut. Harriet berates me about taking pictures of her! I apologise profusely and so a picture of her won’t be going up even though she looks stunning.

A two hour Psychology lesson with Gajan at Victoria st. local Starbucks isn’t going down to well, with me downing my xxl latte (I refuse to find out what they expect me to call it; they should realistically come up with an ISO standard for cup sizes) with an extra shot of something. The last 30min ends with me imagining a slot on her wittering head and 50pence pieces dropping every couple of minutes creating a resounding – plop.


The trip back to surbiton is left with me frantically trying to work out what to do for the night. Chance it at Ainsleys, where it could turn into a cock fest, tag along to Tom and Matts or go the extra mile and leave Surbiton for Walton with Mike. As with all of these indefinite plans I left a great deal of fail safe; Ainsley – Mike – Gajan. Fun is rather elusive if you don’t have your failsafes. Remember your failsafes kids.

As i’m getting lost in Surbiton, walking in completely the wrong direction, i bump into the infamous Dan Bolan. He’s accompanied by a twatish narrow minded gimp and oh so cute, yet oh so young, girlfriend. To be honest, 14 for 18 doesn’t sound so bad when you look at her and say 15 in German for long enough.


It doesn’t bode well when Ainsley is outside of the premises when we arrive. By outside i mean down the road 10minutes away. As we arrive, my heart sinks. Not due to the obviously shite time i’d have, but Ainsleys 18th memories. The room consists of 15 guy friends from school, all eager to devour the girls the other guy was supposed to bring – “But you were bringing the pussy dude”. We bolted without even entering the premises.

On the way to Mike’s party at Walton, we bump into Ainsley again, my altruistic hat came out of the closet. I mentioned we’d go to the pub sink a couple then go back to the party when it livened up again, glanced around and realised a group of 10 kids wern’t exactly gonna get served. As we walked around, 30 odd people were seen headed to the house, a good sign. At the station i bumped into some familier AC faces and their friends. Sam, Johnny and Bt. Decided to tag along, even if they were a bit reticent to have me do so. They’re to polite to tell me to fuck off.

I hold out my New Scientist and decide for the rest of the night to prove to them psuedo intellectuals really do exist. By the time we made it back to the house, it had been transformed into a heaving party with a lot of young girls. Brought me back to being a rebel without a cause and I loved it.


Somewhere through the night i asked someone to bite me. She bit; it quelled my thirst for pain for a couple of minutes, and although ruining the artistic nature of the bite mark, I came running back for another. Then another. There were some industrial Goths at the party who I impressed them with my goo knowledge, Alec Empire and Atari Teenage Speed Riot to mention but a few; What didn’t impress me was the use Cocaine. That was, what i thought to be cocaine. On closer inspection the Goth was just reapplying his make up.


With a mirror on his knee, and bending right over, who’d have been wiser. I go over, make conversation and ask if they can do me up. Maybe if i show them how stupid they look and mock them a lil, they just won’t do it again. They oblige. I get Sarah, a random girl who somehow knew me from somewhere to put it on and it’s great. I don’t look the part enough though so find someone artistic, Hannah, to go for it. She adds some streaks on the left and a cock on the right. Obviously totally oblivious to me. I stand grinning. Feeling a touch of humility would do me good I leave and contemplate the various ways of emotionally blackmailing her.


After a tour of the house and taking all the redicule I can endure I still can’t think of a worthy blackmail. I try for the longshot of nudity which doesn’t pay off. Holly is teasing, which is cute. The thought of taking one for the team does cross my mind, but i’m not an asshole.

Ed, our silly lil friend, drank to much and got in a state. At this age, I don’t like people who get in a state. Decided to spin him around a few times and shout non sensical abuse at him. Stuff you wish people would do to you so you don’t get like that again. People started staring at the obscene boy being rude to the poor kid, I grinned. Didn’t do him much good, he lay wretching on the sofa for the rest of the night with his bitch looking after him. He seemed the only sane one there and was rather funny. I’d have a banter with him after every couple tours of the house when mocking the goths lost its edge.

Somebody with a nice back.
The stripper arrived. She was a luvley 50 year old who had the fortunate pleasure of 50 odd pubescent boys shouting abuse at her while she found the lucky guy. He was miles away. I felt slightly touched for the poor women who really should have asked for a typewriter for Christmas.( ‘If you don’t take a job as a prostitute, we can stop your benefits’). All sympathy went out the window when she started berating the mother who was dumbfounded that such an uncouth thing was in her house. I had enough and stepped into the circle pit which had now formed around her and told her “It was a joke bitch, your not gonna get your money, leave”. She left.

Update: Tracked down the pictures, please add a comment if you want your picture taken down with the picture number. Pictures don’t exactly match the story but I like pictures.

The lovable Judd

I’m such a bastard. The party ended early, Mike punched someone, someone didn’t punch me and I’m sure Vicky was a tad annoyed with the whole affair. The first signs of trouble arose at the Royal Oak. We thought we’d get tanked up before hand so headed for our local. There I met up with some ruffians, borderline mainstream society shall we say. My big mouth slipped up and I asked them to come to the party; after calling ahead with a lot of pleading they tagged along. Juddly with Carl joining shortly.

Yes dear, I will take some more pictures of you

I hadn’t seen them in ages but i distinctly remember going to a number of parties and having a pretty eventful night. I’m sure the word eventful should have given me cause for concern.

Birthday girl

We arrived with a healthy mix of ages, from 11 year olds to 50 year olds. It was nice. Went through the usual pleasantries and started to consume more alcohol. I think I was still reeling at my AS grades and the state of my life.
About 5 more boys had slipped in, mates of mates, that type of thing. “po” was smoked and everyone was having fun. I had quite a deep conversation with why “capps” were treated worse than “blacks” and how it was disgraceful. The Sargent seemed the safest, about to risk his life on a tour of duty for queen and country, when everyone here treated him with contempt. The middle class and middle England just don’t seem to mix.

The Lovely Harri

When I’m having a pretty standard time, i tend to take pictures. A consolation for not having fun is to capture other peoples fun memories in a picture. Hopefully one day they would replace my own dire memories. My camera was broken so i found a camera on the table. Promptly took some pictures. Felt at home. Morals kicked in that i was using a camera that belonged to someone else; it could look rather suspect. The boy was a pretty regular Hampton boy. Dime a dozen.

Missy Elliot boots on a trampoline apparently

He seemed ok with it all, with me slyly asking to borrow his memory card. I took 100 odd out of focus unframed pictures which I’m sure you’d have been delighted to see. Some where along the way he saw my rather rough friends and decided i was going to try and steal his camera. I was appalled. Not in the mood to argue and feeling in a relatively bad mood I emasculated him instead.

The key is to point out the blooming obvious. The untalked about and they’re in tatters. I think i just asked him “why will you still be in that chair in 10?” and quietly left. Quietly for me anyway. Quietly i hoped he’d punch me, really i did.

An attempt at an apology was made but he made a quiet departure. My reasoning was that if I apologized in the most pretentious sarcastic way possible he couldn’t fail to punch me. I desperately needed to feel alive and he desperately needed some confidence. Break the poor boy and build him back up. Alas he left without me building him back up.

Caught in an uncompromising position

Upstairs the usual was happening while downstairs the usual whining was happening; about why so and so shouldn’t be doing anything with so and so. I tried to detach myself from the whole affair.

Other trouble was brewing, the father had found the ruffians and told them to leave in a bit of an abrupt manner. Something you don’t particularly want to do when the punk just loves squaring up. The party ended abruptly and everyone left, with a little coercion that is.

I followed the tribe with Monika in tow. I’d forgotten my bag so ran back. 5 minutes later Monika called, Are you ok? “nOo”. Another minute and Mike comes back distraught telling me they played hopscotch on car roofs. I smiled. He then showed me his swollen thumb. tut tut.

Click to view the rest of the pictures

The reason for taking so long to write this, is for the life of me I can’t remember how to use apostrophe’s. Oh well.

I hadn’t been out for a good two weeks other than to go to the cinema by myself. Nights out just aren’t particularly hitting the spot for me anymore. I decided however, that this party would be different, and even if it wasn’t it’d be at least nice to catch up with people.

I decided to meet up with Mike and Maddy early, as I was a tad apprehensive at what Dave had found me to wear. I was right to be. The costume he had found was a 2 piece overall which had an all brick motif. A left over from an old panto, where it stared as “Humpty Dumpty’s Brick wall”. I smiled and quickly ordered two pints for some Dutch courage. We walked the hideously young girl to the bus stop before returning to finish our pints. The more I thought about it, the more it was acceptable, recalling Henry VIII and his Wives. Then again he did behead a fair few of them. After finishing off the pints with a game of pool we decided to leave. I remembered why I didn’t play people at pool; it was a tad embarrassing for him, not being the greatest hot shot, and a tad annoying for being in the least bit challenging.

As we arrived, I got into my costume, a fair 5 minutes from the hall. I was jeered at by the local chavs who surprised me with their wit, announcing that I was a “Bricklayer”. The bouncers gave Mike a hard time as he forgot whether he was Mike or Dave. Fiona came and gave a helping hand with the proceedings. When we arrived, a good 30min late, the hall was pretty empty.

I introduced myself to the Smurfs, Marilyn Monroe, Jorden, Jorden 2, Tinkerbelle and numerous others. I was quite disappointed at those that you couldn’t tell made the effort but I was on the verge of going as Linus Torvalds or Ding Jun Hui (Dress up as yourself due to obscurity).

After drinking another couple of drinks I found myself in the company of old friends. There was, Carl, Judd,Dan,Tom,Vicky and Katie; all of whom I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. After re acquainting myself with them I moved on. Carl was on beans, I couldn’t tell the difference, crazy as usual.

After getting a tad bored of mingling I drag my camera out and snap away, lending my camera to Mike and Vicky. My co conspirators. My Brick outfit mysteriously vanish and appear on other people and I spill a drink on Monika. A chase ensues, me having fun for the first time that night. It felt like playing Kiss Chase in the infants. After 5 minutes I apologize and buy her a drink.

After using the lav, I see 5 Black youths trying to get in. 10 minutes later, they’re on the dance floor, mysteriously multiplying. I hate bouncers who do this, what is the point in hassling people who know the girl vaguely when your going to let in a bunch of twats who you know are going to start trouble.

The boys obviously have game, singling out girls, groping them then leaving when the girls give them the finger. I’d like to know their mentor who taught them the art of copulation. I had a strange thought that some girl down the line, feel for the act. Most of the girls were on the defensive except Monika. Quite happy with the attention, I was sure she’d get raped. I dragged her out and told someone to keep an eye on her. The police had arrived. I got bored and left.

My camera is officially broken. Any donations welcome.

I’€™m alone at home, parents are in Vietnam and fuck alls playing on TV. Monika calls at 9.04 saying it’€™s a rather shitty party but that I should come. It’€™s 9 and I decide that it’€™s a tad to late to trek up to Twickenham! Just as I resign to defeat, I remember Mike can drive, after a quick call and promising to buy him a pint for the petrol he heads off to mine.

We make good speed, him a nippy red polo and me clinging onto dear life while ‘€œcome on Eileen’€? blares out of the speakers. We get there in 30min flat, with the hardest part of the night being the parking. Mike stalls a good 5 times down a one way road going the wrong way and we ask residents whether we can park in the residents parking bay. It’€™s all good.

As we walk through the doors a stench of puke fills assaults our nostrils. Apparently Burke had thrown chunks before I’€™d even got there. I get in on somebody’€™s +1, apparently they didn’€™t want me as their plus one. I was hurt. The usual Tiffin girls lot were there, with rugger buggers and prefects from the boys school managing to turn up.

Monika was pretty slaughtered and Jeannine was apoligising like a lunny as she forgot to call me back. Mike and I quickly drank 2 pints of Stella at 3 quid a pop, I later went on to drink another 2 while he declined due to driving. The camera was in my hands again after a particularly long break. A lot of pictures were taken I must say, thought I’€™d make up for all the nights of no pictures.

The birthday boy was by the name of James Burke. We’€™ve never really been friends and I wasn’€™t actually invited but what the hay. He’€™s the guy who people pick on when they’€™re drunk and I’€™m sure I’€™m guilty of that. Sometimes we go to far. What surprised me was the amount of people there who I assumed didn’€™t like Burke much, maybe they were there for the party or the girls. What rather depressed me was the fact that when I looked for the sultry figure, he was there in the corner with his two bewildered parents while a 5m contamination zone was enacted by his so called friends while they socialised the night away. 364 days of the year, you may have been an asshole to him but that 1day you can at least pretend to be caring. I don’€™t mind what you do with the extra quarter.

I guess it always happens if your throwing a big party and his true friends were there. Whatever happened, I’€™m sure he’€™ll remember it for the rest of his life. No matter what the reasons.

No one especially was looking rather fine, I guess I’€™ve known them all to long and they’€™re all my friends. I was being a drunken fool taking pictures of everyone, with no one thankfully declining my request other than Raj. I guess he thinks I’€™m going to take the piss out of him on a website somewhere. Whatever happens, I promise I’€™ll be honest. We’€™ll have to wait for your story some other time Raj.

My birthdays are usually a tad, well, shite. This year I was looking forward to continue that tradition. The day started with a late get up and some birthday snooker with old pal Graham. Everything was dandy and after a few hours I went home. The evening planned was to be spent having dinner with Solmi who had invited me the week previous. This invitation was strange and I had my suspicions of a surprise party, it wasn’t that i didn’t want a surprise party but that i didn’t one that would be so decidedly average and crap that it would haunt me for years to come.

What’s worse that spending a Birthday with people you barely like and having to smile and pretend your having fun? I was set on getting utterly trashed no matter how the nights proceedings panned. I was so suspicious of a surprise party as I had previously planned one for Dave a few months back and thought he would have to oblige me with the same thoughtfulness.

The problem with my social life is it’s split into nice lil seperate none compatible groups who on the face of it just don’t really mix well. When I walked up those stairs I kind of expected a few faces there, but what really touched me was the faces who I would have least imagined to be there were. These included Jin, Chris and Monika. Guess a bit of me was disappointed that Harri D S and none of the year below whom I thought I was friends with turned up. That’s life I guess. My surprised look was quite something, fucking drama students.

Drunk a tad, Jin drunk more. Headed to Weatherspoons, Jin bought a round, I bought another. Presents included a couple of cards, one of which is so good! I’ve always secretly looked on in envy at girls birthday parties where they get rather meticulously crafted birthday cards adorned with poems and what not, so was rather grateful when I received my very own. Also received some hand painted canvas to hang up which I was delighted with. A pretty weird yet funny suicide book and a card telling me what a shite I was. I am.

4 double diet coke and vodkas, 2 Malibu and orange, 2 Malibu and coke, 4 Archers and lemonade, 10 pints of San Miguel and 5 pints of what must have been Stella were consumed before we headed off again to Bacchus. What was meant to be a hip hop night turned out to be grunge or metal and we promptly got carried outside by 4 burly bouncers. Words were said and a few pushes here and there. Fun start to the evening, we then thought heading to the Works would be good.

The group of roughly 20 dwindled to 7 by the time we reached the door. 3 of us got in, including me. The rest waited outside for us to attempt the daring. Open the fire escape while the rest clambered in. This as you’d expect, lead to all of us getting kicked out.

Chris rather not amused, threw a shopping trolley in the vague vicinity of the bouncers, they weren’t amused. 4 clambered on Chris as he valiantly tried to fight them off. There he would stay until the club closed a good 1hr and a half later being tortured and restrained, or so the story goes. Met Chris’s girlfriend, a rather sweet timid creature. I’ll leave it for another time to explain how Chris loves to curdle the minds of the sweet and innocent.

It was a thursday so i went to psychology as per usual. Can’t even remember the tutors name but he seemed alright with me leaving at the interval so i did. Trekked down to London and met up with Carl on the train. Havn’t seen him for a rather long time so we spent some time catching up. He’s shaved his head and looking pretty healthy. Not much of a pot head which is nice, although dabbles a tad in extremes. But i guess who doesn’t at this age.

Chris was with his new girlfriend, Suki. She seemed a tad crazy so i guess they suited each other, think she beats him and shouts at him quite a bit and he finds it rather endearing. Our Chris thinks himself as a bit of a player, which obviously got him into some trouble later in the night. It was a bit of a mission waiting for the clock to strike 12 so we could withdraw a tad more money as the limit for the day had been reached. Spent a boring stint in sound cafe and then stood in the middle of leicster sq. so everyone could group. 45 our of 300 turned up, much to my great dismay.

There was always a pretty high chance that the club Chris had apparently rented wouldn’t be rented. Which it wasn’t, we ended up being guided by the various club tour operators in the sq. and ended up in Storm for £3 each. Not as good as £0 as we all thought it would be but nether the less acceptable. Our tour seemed quite chuffed with himself earning roughly £2 for each person. I guess he earned his keep, battling the other operators for us.

The group consisted of roughly 45 asians, mixing filipino, chinese, japanese, vietnamese and korean. oh and a white boy called Carl. I didn’t particularly feel like socialising much, and everyone else was far to busy posing. I was more there for face rather than anything, it would have been rather rude not going at all.

The ride back was entertaining as usual. Chris was off his face on 22 shots of something big and red while Jin went MPD and threw a tantrum. Suki, Chris’s girlfriend ran off after Chris said something inconsiderate like he was a player. I vaguely remember running after her and proclaiming after all the years of knowing our Chris i had never heard him talk about a girl like that, that he was the only girl in his eyes. All bullshit, but i guess i felt obliged. I was also drunkenly bored as fuck. Chris through all that great angst over the departure of his girlfriend smashed up a telephone box. That big red one in the middle of the sq. Very big and clever of him.

We missed the N77 due to Chris being an arse but managed to drag ourselves on it at about 4. The N77 is such a twerp, some finishing at Wimbledone, some at Talworth and others at Kingston. Ours was Wimbledone, i live in Kingston. British Transport has got to be one of the worst in the world, tourists seem to love the tube for its cuteness and quiantness often missing the fact that it isn’t the most reliable. Even the first bus of the morning had to be late, how can you seemingly not get a bus somewhere on time with no traffic and a new timetable to follow. Truth be told it is improving.

I manage to sneak in at 5:30 on a Friday night, waking up in a daze and a tad drunk at 8:30 to run to school. I’m not even late.

The sad thing is Thursday was a pretty shite night out, it also ment i was too knackered to go out Friday.

Well we woke up pretty early and started preparing for the party, creating a rather healthy dosage of vodka jelly, cakes decorations and the obligatory toffee apples. The apples were fun although i did burn my middle finger, just after A did! felt like such a plonker, i guess i’m a hard knock, needing to find things out for myself.

Licorice strings were added to the jelly which turned to mush and tasted like colds spagetti, kinda disgusting. Amos arrives pretty late with the projector, ichi the killer is promptly played on a massive wall. People actually watch the movie instead of just leaving it in the background, anti social freaks. The projector was my idea, rather proud of it.

Amos’s friend gets drunk off of 3 drinks, rather pathetic. Woman. Another chinese triad dude who goes to met is wearing funky glasses. We banter on for a good 30 min, with me basicly just taking the piss outta him. I shake off my shy stance and talk to my sisters friends. Am adopted as Kaz’s new lil brother. She seems to treat me better than my actual sister.

Sisters always been rather mean to me. I’m not to sure if it’s just thats what sisters are like or she’s jealous. I’m really not. Fair enough, i’m a bit of a freak but i am more obedient with her than i am most people but she still shouts at me. Maybe she hasn’t realised i’m not all that bad. She didnt particularly take to kindly to me poking fun outta her friends. But they’re weirdos. (Obviously excluding new sister and friends, Jackie and A (won’t attempt to spell)

Kaz is so kookie and crazy, i love her. Think she’s a tad worried i’m gonna spontaniuosly start trying to shag her leg. Probably would given enough alcohol admittedly. We talked of all the great brother sister things we could do… like play games. Obviously will never see her again. alas.

I’m writing this at school, its so crowded and people are so nosy. I think i enjoy relaxing to much, went out on a monday night and stayed at a friends house. It was pretty good, i wouldnt usually go out on a monday but it was my friends 18th so i thought why not. He rented out the largest pub i’ve been to and invited 150, i think only 100 turned
up but it was still pretty fun, his girlfriends parents know the owners and some c list celebs so we greeted some people we saw on telly. Got a picture of ainsley Harriet. Joy

The pub turned into a lil dance floor later on in the night and we left at about 1. Bumped into the poshest girls who were at the same party and walked with them for a bit, they seemed nice enough though.

I took the piss out of dave who was going to get off with a rather ugly girl with facial hair, he often does this. Pretty girls like him but he doesn’t notice and always ends up getting close to the most hideous things. I mock him about it a lot.

Went back to his house. Was so nice and comfy and i woke up earlier there than i would at home. As i didn’t bring my uniform with me to his house, i borrowed a pair of trousers and shirt from him and a tie from another guy. Wore some trainers and a blazer i was wearing last nite to complete my uniform! looked like a right mess, teachers kept complaining it was annoying. I didn’t have any lessons but still had to go in to get registered and admin.